


Out.

by 100percentsunshine



Series: Kaylor One Shots [16]
Category: Karlie Kloss - Fandom, Taylor Swift (Musician)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Coming Out, F/F, Good Morning America, Panic Attacks, inspired by chely wright
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2019-07-06 17:28:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15890688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/100percentsunshine/pseuds/100percentsunshine
Summary: "In less than four hours, you're going to be out.  As in out.  As in tearing down the safe image and career that you've spent years building, and exposing the soft, raw pulp of truth that's been hiding within. "Taylor is tired of hiding.  With the release of her next album, she wants to be completely honest.  But that involves, y'know, actually telling the world.





	Out.

As soon as you wake up, you feel the toxic twisting of your stomach. You wish you could at least boast more than two hours of sleep, but you just couldn't. In less than four hours, you're going to be out. As in out. As in tearing down the safe image and career that you've spent years building, and exposing the soft, raw pulp of truth that's been hiding within. 

You close your eyes and force yourself to try and relax until your alarm goes off. You turn it off instantly, and realize your hands are shaking. “Morning, babe,” Karlie yawns, rolling over and scooping you into her arms, “You ready?”

No. You think, but really you know you are. The actual doing it is the scary part, you want what comes after. But all of this is too complex for a morning conversation, so you just say, “Yes,” and leave it at that. 

Karlie presses a kiss behind your ear. “C’mon, Tay. We need to get up.”  
This one time, she's the one to drag you out of bed. She makes pancakes, actual buttery unhealthy ones, for you, and you force them down. At least they stay down, which is better than yesterday.

She holds your hand during the car ride, and you can't help but think about how lucky you are to have someone to hold your hand. You think about how so many others had to do this alone. You think about how they lost everything. You think about how you might too. 

Karlie puts on the Beatles, and the two of you jam to songs that sound like childhood and happiness and when things were much less complicated. Thankfully, she's successful in distracting you, and you don't even notice that you've there until she unbuckles her seatbelt. 

When you get into the TV studio, you're immediately rushed to hair and makeup, while Karlie lingers back to talk with the staff. You roll your eyes because even sunshine can be friendly in the morning after a cup of coffee. You can tell she's also nervous, by the way she fiddles with her rings and can't quite sit still, but she's going to be watching from behind the scenes. You're the one who actually has to do the talking. You wanted it to be that way. 

Once your hair has been straightened and your makeup is finished, your team comes into the dressing room to have a last minute meeting. It's about twenty minutes until you have to be on set. They're mostly talking amongst themselves, making sure everything is ready press-wise, but Tree multitasks, sending potential questions your way. You know what to say, you've been preparing for this for months, but forcing the words out while choking back the lump in your throat is proving to be too much. 

In fact, all of this is feeling like too much, and you know you're going to have a panic attack and you don't know where Karlie is and you're actually about to come out on live TV and people are going to be mean and people already hate you and what if they try to hurt you, what if they hurt your family?

“Tree,” you try to say without your voice shaking. She locks eyes with you and immediately hushes the rest of your team. 

“Guys, be quiet.” The noise level lowers slightly. “Guys, Taylor needs you to shut up for a second, okay!” Silence quickly falls over the room. Her voice then turns soft, “Taylor, you're over thinking. We've been planning this for years. You're well prepared.” You nod. You realize you've scratching up your thighs, and you're thankful your tights will be able to hide the marks. “Where's Karlie? Somebody get Karlie,” Tree says. 

She briskly walks up to you and leads you to the couch. “Deep breaths, Taylor. You can do this. You're so much braver than you know.” 

The door suddenly opens and Karlie walks in, immediately rushing to the couch. “I'm here, baby.” Your lips still feel like they've been glued shut, so you just wrap your arms around her, breathing in her perfume and her smell that's just entirely Karlie. You rest your head on her chest, so that you can listen to her heartbeat, and you can feel the vibrations when she says, a little frantically, “She needs her meds! Taylor, do you need your meds?” You nod. “Hey, someone give me her bag!” 

Someone tosses it to her, and once they see you're in good hands, your team begins talking once again amongst themselves. You close your eyes and hear Karlie rummaging through your bag. She hands you a pill and her water bottle.

The time you spend right there with Karlie on the couch both seems to drag on forever and be over in the blink of an eye. But, eventually, you've calmed down enough in order to have an actual conversation. When they knock on the door to tell you to get on set, Karlie gives you perhaps the biggest hug she's ever given. 

“I believe in you. I'm so proud of you. You can do this. And maybe next year we can go to pride together,” she whispers in your ear.

“I love you,” you tell her. She knows that you'll need that little bit of the future to get you through the present. She kisses you hard and you get up and walk out to set. 

The lights are too bright and your hands are damp with sweat, but thankfully your meds do their job and you're left with a manageable nervousness. The crew is all incredibly sweet, wishing you good luck and telling you you'll be okay.

The countdown to when you go live feels like the countdown at the beginning of the hunger games; it feels like a countdown to your impending doom. But then, you're live and the interviewer’s asking the planned question: “So, after almost four years, you're finally releasing new music! Can you tell us a little bit about that?”

“Yeah,” you say, “Well, after my 1989 came out I really started thinking about what I wanted to put out next. And I decided that I didn't want to do the same thing I'd been doing for the past five albums. I needed to make the music I've been wanting to make ever since I was a little girl. And what I needed to do that was authenticity. Because I haven't been telling the truth, the entire truth, about myself.” You take a deep breath, “Because I am gay, and I need the world to know that in order for my music to be 100% truthful.” 

There's silence, and for a split second you're terrified. But then, the audience erupts into applause, and you feel tears welling up in your eyes. And, just like that, it's said and done. No going back now. 

The rest of the interview is a blur. Thankfully, she doesn't ask about any of the men you “dated,” but she does ask about Karlie, and you feel yourself beaming as you confirm that, yes, she is indeed your wonderful girlfriend. 

And then the interview is over. They cut for a commercial break. Karlie meets your eyes from her spot in the audience, and you sprint over. She envelopes you in a hug, and spins you around. “Holy shit, you did it,” she says. 

“We did it,” you reply. 

You curl into Karlie’s warm embrace and realize those shippers are right when they say that she’s the only person who can make you look small. But the way she makes you feel like is small like a newborn kitten, small like the way a child feels after climbing a tree, small like she will protect you; not small like late night arguments and sharp words, not like like rough hands climbing under your skirt, not small like your first taste of heartbreak, or of panic rising in your chest.

You know there's a few people in the audience not here for you, and that of those who are, only a handful are kaylor shippers. You recognize one woman from her blog, and you can tell by the way another nodded and cried with you that she'd also known all along. For once, you approach them first. They congratulate you as well as they can through their tears and fangirling. You are given so many hugs and kind words but they all blur together in your mind because you still aren't sure if this is real life.

But, as Karlie plants a gentle kiss on your lips as she walks with you back to your dressing room, you are reminded that this is real. And it's here to stay.

**Author's Note:**

> This one shot was totally inspired by the scene in Chely Wright's documentary, Wish Me Away, right before she comes out and stuff, also just by the documentary in general. I honestly barely knew who she was before we started talking about her on tumblr this week. But damn that documentary inspired me to write this one shot and a song, so it can't be a bad thing even though it made me cry like a baby.


End file.
